House-isms
Cameron: “If it’s cancer, he can’t pitch again. If this was a regular guy who broke his arm lifting a box you’d pack him up and send him home.”
House: “My God, you’re right. I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in, we’re on it like stink on cheese.”
Lola: “Even if real human contact is something you don’t have, or even want, or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.
House: “Right. True love. That’s just how we match organs these days. There’s a couple in France, high school sweethearts, they’re trading brains.”
***
Patient’s mother: “Who are you?”
Dr. House: “I’m the doctor who’s trying to save your son. You’re the mom who’s letting him die. Clarification. It’s a beautiful thing.”
***
Dr House: “Chicks dig this. [Waves cane]. It’s better than a puppy!”
House: “You’ve been bad. No leather stethoscope this Christmas for you”
***
House: Cameron is so not perfect.
Wilson: Well, nobody’s perfect.
House: Mother Teresa?
Wilson: Dead.
House: Angeline Jolie?
Wilson: No medical degree.
House: Now who’s being picky?
***
Cameron (to House): Got a new cane
House: Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe.
***
House: Take these. Go home. Talk to your daughter.
Woman: What?
House: Your pants, your blouse, your scarf are all freshly dry cleaned–everything except your jacket. Its got a smudge on it. Probably two days old. Which means you didnt know the jacket had been worn. So, either your husband is a cross dresser or your daughters been borrowing your clothes without telling you. Probably wants to look older to get into bars.
Woman: I dont have a daughter.
House (Exchanges looks with woman): Neeeeext!
***
House: (to Chase) I wouldn’t have tortured you if I’d known you liked it.
***
Stacey: “God you’re an idiot!”
House: “I like to think of myself as more of a jerk.”
***
Ramona: My ob-gyn died recently. Nice man. Warm hands.
House: Not anymore.
***
House: “I’m no baby expert but I’m pretty sure they aren’t supposed to shrink.”
***
House: “don’t worry…it’s a vegan I.V.”
House: Your lips say no, but your shoes say yes.
Wilson: They’re French, you can’t trust a word they say.
***
House: And the old nun thinks the sick nun is a big fat nun liar.
***
Dr. House: [trying to get Cuddy to leave the room by admitting malpractice] So there I was, in the clinic, drunk, so I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find…
***
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your reputation won’t last if you don’t do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
Dr. Gregory House: But as the philosopher Jagger once said “You can’t always get what you want.”
***
Dr. Gregory House: Ah, a rash, call a dermatologist. If it’s wet, keep it dry. If it’s dry, keep it wet. If it’s not supposed to be there, cut it off. I never could remember all that.
***
Dr. Cameron: You want me to tell a man whose wife is about to die that she may have cheated on him?
Dr. Gregory House: No, I want you to be polite and let her die.
***
Intern: [trying to tell an uninterested House a patient's history] You’re reading a comic book.
Dr. Gregory House: You’re drawing attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.
Intern: [covers her chest with her clipboard]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, sorry, I thought we were having a “state-the-obvious” contest.
***
Dr. Gregory House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I’m Doctor Gregory House; you can call me “Greg.” I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. Gregory House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored… certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
[to Lisa]
Dr. Gregory House: That is true, isn’t it?
[to crowd]
Dr. Gregory House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It’s mine! You can’t have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem… but who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
[nobody moves]
Dr. Gregory House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[everybody raises their hand]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, well, I’ll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Jody Matthews?
[Jody raises her hand]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.
~*~*~*~
Sesong 2:
No, if you talk to God you’re religious. If God talks to you, you’re psychotic.
- House vs. God
***
Cameron: Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
House: I wish.
- Distractions
***
Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills.
- Need to Know
Chase: Weve got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.
House: I teach you to lie and cheat and steal and the second my back is turned you wait in line!
- Failure to Communicate
***
Wilson: Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.
- Failure to Communicate
***
What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I’m a doctor, I need to know.
- Deception
***
Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven’t slept with. I am that good.
- Humpty Dumpty
***
Im happy to report that we are now so in sync, were actually wearing each others underwear.
- Humpty Dumpty
***
Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
- Autopsy
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