A Christmas story
Once upon a time there was a mother of five who had one single christmas wish.
It was the day before Christmas and after having waited for a long time, she finally recieved her paycheck and was ready for some christmas shopping. All of the stores would be closed the next day, so this was the mother of five’s last chance to get the christmas shopping done.
So she packed the car full of all of her five children, her grumpy husband and the family dog, and off they went.
It was then one of the children asked her what she wanted for Christmas. The mother of five had already been in the family’s car with the fighting children, the grumpy husband and the family dog for 10 minutes by then, so the answer to that was clear. She wanted a peaceful Christmas without yelling, she told them. That was her one and only Christmas wish.
The first stop was the toy store. The mother of five left the husband and children in the car, so they wouldn’t see what she bought. She was as fast and effective as a mother of five on the loose without her children can be and came out to the car with lots and lots of presents. Some of them wrapped in, some not. “Do not touch, smell or look at those”, she told her curious children as she loaded the car. Then they were off.
The next stop was a store with low prices on everything. Shoes, clothes, plates, toys, shampoo, cookies, christmas decorations…you name it. And it was there it all begun. The cold sweat. The paleness. The grumbling from her stomach. All the bodily signals that told her that she needed to go. NOW! Her body couldn’t have found a worse day for having diarrhea. With her trembling fingers, she dialed the grumpy husbands cell phone from hers. Hoping that he could come in and take over while she found a toilet. Or sat in the car and did her breathing techniques like she was giving birth. The phone rang. The grumpy husband answered. And then the connection broke.
Now, did he walk the few meters from the parking lot to the line in front of the cash register to ask his wife if she needed help? No. He didn’t. He’s not the curious type, you see. So, calm and confident that the mother of five would find him if it was important, he leaned back in his car seat while the five children and senile dog probably were going wild in their car. And relaxed.
Meanwhile the mother of five did what mothers in large families have done for ages. She held it in with something somewhat similar to kegel exercises. Mothers of many are experts in that area. They do those exercises all the time, due to the queue in front of the bathroom in their homes. How it is for the mothers who lives in palaces with several bathrooms, I don’t know.
Oh well. By the time the mother of five finally gets to leave that store, she’s feeling a little better. So she gets in the car and they drive to the next stop. The grocery store. And this turns out to be what could be called The Shopping Experience From Hell. The rest of the family was tired of being left in the car, so they accompanied her into the store. The mother of five, who after all had wished for a peaceful christmas without yelling tried to set a good example even though the children soon began their mission to drive her crazy. “No, you can’t have that.” “No, not even when asking for the 500th time.” She smiled and talked with the softest voice. And standing in the middle of the childrens bickering, begging and running around, she recieved a phone call from her sister who’d had a money fight with her husband and was upset because she was broke and didn’t know what to get for everyone with so little money. So the mother of five tried to comfort her sister. And luckily she had just been in the low price store and could suggest a $10 gift for 5 children. All while the cold sweat and stomach cramps are returning.
On their way home to the toilet the mother of five longs for, they have to stop at another store to get the rest of what is needed for christmas. And on her way out of that store, she remembers several things she’d forgotten to buy, but there’s no turning back now.
When they come home, the mother of five runs to the bathroom. FINALLY, she thinks.
Well, she soon realize that it just isn’t that simple.
First of all: When a family with 4 boys with various aiming skills leaves the house to go shopping and everyone needs to use the bathroom first, it can be kind of… Well, the toilet seat needs some cleaning.
And second: When you’ve worked so hard for 3,5 hours to hold it in. Doing Lamaze breathing and Kegel exercise simultaneously through Christmas shopping hell while trying to speak with the most patient and softest voice ever… It’s really hard to relax enough to not hold it in any longer when you finally can. Despite diarrhea and everything. So you need to take some deep breaths, calm down and tell yourself that it’s safe to let go now. Breeeaaaathe.
It’s just one little problem. The mother of five has a lot of self-appointed toiletmentors. And they won’t let her do her business all alone. Nooo. That is not what a good Toilet mentor does.
First comes Victoria. She has something very important to tell the mother of five. She’s sent back out again by a mother who with her calm, sugar coated voice tries to set a good example. After all; she wants this to be a peaceful Christmas.
Then we have the next one. Benjamin. Luckily, he has the common sense to stay outside the bathroom door while delivering his speech about all the good reasons why he should get a new Gameboy for Christmas. He gets interrupted by a sugar coated reminder that the mother of five likes to have her toilet time alone, thankyouverymuch. “I’ll be there in a minute!” *smile*
Just as Benjamin has left, Theodor arrives. He has had an argument with Victoria and needs to tell his side of the story RIGHT NOW! He too is reminded that the mother of five wants to be left alone when she is in the bathroom. The message is delivered with a smile and a happy, happy voice.
Victoria, who strongly disagree with Theodors version of the conflict, obviously feel the need to tell the mother of five her side of the story. Same procedure as the last time.
Then Oliver comes running to tell mommy something. But Theodor finally remembers what his mother has told him, and tries to shut the bathroom door as fast as he can. Of course Oliver gets the door in his head and needs to be carried out by his father while he cries and says that he only wanted to say something to mommy. “Mommy will be with you soon, Oliver.”
Then Benjamin remember another good point in his speech about why he really, really, REALLY should get that Gameboy for Christmas. The mother of five’s smile and voice is extremely strained by now.
And finally, the father of five has a question too. The mother of five tells him to get out, but still tries to smile. After all. She wanted that peaceful Christmas.
All this is taking place while the mother of five also tries to mediate between fighting children outside the bathroom door and stopping the children from peeking at the presents when her super hearing ears discovers that someone is going through the shopping bags she left in the hallway.
And… Oh yes. I almost forgot. She needs to be able to relax for enough seconds so that she can do what she really is on the toilet to do.
Finally, she snaps. The sugar coated, soft and friendly voice is gone. And while she sits there, with toilet paper in her hand and her pants around her ankles she yells at the top of her lungs to all the imbecile idiots on the outside of the bathroom door:
COULD IT BE SO FREAKING HARD TO FULFILL
ONE SINGLE, LOUSY CHRISTMAS WISH
FOR A PEACFUL CHRISTMAS WITH
NO YELLING?!
The house got real quiet.
And the mother of five finally got what she wished for. Peace and quiet.
Merry Christmas.
Loading ...Welcome to my new blog
I’ve been blogging for a while in my norwegian blog and wanted to try an english one too. After all; I read a lot of them myself and it wouldn’t hurt to improve my english either.
If you see something that’s misspelled or otherwise don’t look right, don’t be afraid to tell me. After all, my parents are both teachers. I’ve developed a thick skin when it comes to being corrected for bad spelling. I’ve even learned to appreciate it. 
Oh, and welcome. That’s what I wanted to say.
Welcome to this blog. May it survive bad spelling long enough to become a good blog.
Cheers!